When it comes to people committing suicide people
usually say they were brave or cowards. From my own experience I was downright
selfish. It was all about how I was feeling and how I wanted to end my pain. I
have survived an abusive mother but still had contact with her on a daily
basis. For my 9th birthday, my mother gave me a gift that would
shatter my new safe and happy world. In front of all the party guests she
announced that she never wanted me. I was a product of rape and she never loved
me. I was only alive thanks to my grandmother asking her not to have an
abortion. Needless to say the party ended quickly.
My first heartbreak and I didn’t know how to soothe
the pain. I would cry but I still didn’t feel any better. I kept playing the
words my mother said over and over in my head. Each time the pain felt worse
than the previous time. I had plunged deep into despair. I was still able to
function as normal but when I came home I was back to my extended pity party.
I was still new to the neighborhood so I had no
friends to speak to about my feelings. Everyone that was at my party was
connected to my mother and really had nothing to say to me. They just looked at
me as if I was a bird with a broken wing but no one offered to help with
helping me heal. As time passed, the hole in my heart got bigger and I could
not stop the pain. So I decided I would end the pain.
What does a 9 year girl know about ending pain? I
knew nothing at all. I did know that my grandmother kept aspirin in her night
stand. If I took enough aspirins that pain would go away and I would be a
constant reminder to my mother of her pain. It was a perfect plan. At least I
thought it was a perfect plan. I just needed to gain access to the aspirins
without my grandmother knowing it.
Eventually, the opportunity came where I could get
to those aspirins. A new problem arrived. They have a safety cap on them. How
was I supposed to open them without damaging the top? I put the aspirin back
into the drawer and walked out of my grandmother’s room. Would there ever be an
end to the pain I felt? Will I live the rest of my days feeling unlovable?
Time passed and another opportunity came to get
those pills. I had learned how to open the aspirin bottle with a butter knife
and noticed there was no damage to the cap. I took a handful of aspirins and I
swallowed them and I went into my bedroom and lay down and waited to die. I
went to sleep and I woke up with a headache. I also woke up without the
despair. I have no idea why but my 9th birthday was no longer
playing in my head. Maybe it was the headache or maybe it was the much need
rest I received with taking the aspirins.
It was 1981 and suicide rates were low. “The suicide
rate has risen by a quarter to 13 per 100,000 people in 2014 from 10.5 in
1999.”(Bichell, 2016). There are quite a few theories about why there is a rise
in suicides in children from medication, lack of health care, and puberty. As a
parent I know how working outside the home affects the children. A busy life makes
you unable to see any warning signs when they happen. There is more access to
medications as well as other means to commit suicide especially via the
internet.
Prince wrote a song titled, “Beautiful, Loved and
Blessed.” If only I could have spoken to my younger self to let her know just
how beautiful, loved and blessed she was in spite of the pain she felt.
Although our mother made a public declaration on not wanting us in 1981 she
truly did love us and we would be there for her while she took her last breath
in 2000. Thankfully, my younger self didn’t succeed in taking our life so that
we can be here to help people of all ages with our programs we created for
Henderson-Hughes Health Partners (H3P).
If
you know or you are expericing thoughts of suicide please get help by calling the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255. www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you have
experienced the loss of a love one and need to talk with someone you can
contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. For Crisis call (800)
273-TALK (8255) and for the office call
