April 2016 - Single parent: choice, consequence, or both?

As of late I have been thinking about my journey to becoming an adult. I wish that I could say that it was paved with all wonderful days that lead me to many opportunities but that’s not the case. My mother abused and neglected me as a child. I can remember the horrible days living with my mother wishing for an end of the pain but mainly wondering what I could do to make my mother like me enough to stop beating me. As a child I didn’t know how to hate my mother because she was all I knew as family. One day however, I met my grandfather who came to get me and brought me home to live with my grandmother and him.

I remember walking the blocks to Vicksburg and how foreign it was to me. When we finally reached the apartment building I remember how huge it was compared with the four family flat on Gladstone. This new life I was presented seemed like an answer to my prayers and in many ways it was but I still had to face or deal with the damage that was caused by my everyday life with my mother as well as adjust to a new house, new rules, and new parents.

Over the years with living with my grandparents I was able to heal both the physical and mental wounds. Most importantly I learned just how real parental love felt. Contrary to popular belief I wasn’t spoiled by my grandparents. I received what I needed and if I was lucky I might get a want fulfilled. As time flew by I experienced my grandparents’ breakup and my grandfather’s death which I believe was the catalyst in my decision of wanting to be a single parent. I had no idea what being a single parent really meant at all I knew was that I saw the pain my grandmother was in after my grandfather left and I decided I didn’t want to experience that type of pain.

In 1992, 888.5 live births to unmarried women per 1000 total live births for the 19 year old age group (National Center for Health Statistics, 1995). In the state of Michigan, 21,431 unmarried black women gave birth in 1992(National Center for Health Statistics, 1995). I was one of those women. I had no idea how to be parent especially a single parent but more importantly I had no idea of the struggle of a single parent. I was so caught up in not wanting to experience the drama and pain from relationships that I didn’t acknowledge how my experience would affect my child.  My daughter didn’t want for anything except a real relationship with her father but her father didn’t reciprocate her feelings. After allowing an on and off relationship between my daughter and her father over the years, I decided it was time to have the ultimate conversation with my daughter’s father about what his intentions were as a parent. Was he going to be the father she needed and be in her life or continue to be the somewhat nonexistent relationship they had created? In time the decision was made for him when I met my husband and started a new life chapter.

The decision of a selfish teenager back in 1991 has caused damage to the child I chose to have in 1992. My daughter had her first child in 2010 at the age of 18. 2013, she had her second child. April 2014, both children were removed from my daughter’s custody due to neglect by the Department of Child Safety. In December 2014, my daughter had her third child that was also removed by the Department of Child Safety.

In 2016, the decision to be a single parent is not given a second thought. When I decided to become a single parent in the late 80’s, early ‘90s it was not a popular decision. Now that I am older and hopefully a bit wiser, I can see why single parenthood is not a great decision especially when you are 19 years old. No, I cannot undo the damage that I caused by my selfish choice but I can help in the healing process. No parent or child is perfect. We all have flaws. The great thing about life is that we get chances to repair our mistakes if we still have breath in our bodies.

Reference: June 1995. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital and Health Statistics. From the CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION / National Center for Health Statistics. Births to Unmarried Mothers: United States, 1980–92. Tables 5 and 6.